I Don't Care About Losing This Baby Weight

I don't plan on loosing the baby weight.

Shocked yet? Isn't that supposed to be paramount on a pregnant or new mother's mind? Well, it's definitely on my mind, but I'm not thinking about how I'm going to lose the twenty pounds that I've gained so far this pregnancy. I'm thinking about how I'm going to explain to my friends and family that I couldn't care less about losing it.

This isn't my first rodeo. This is my third pregnancy. From my previous two pregnancies,  I've learned that exclusively breastfeeding makes me incredibly hungry. For those first six or seven months, I will still be eating for two. I've found that for the first two to three months in particular, that I'm far more hungry than I've ever been while pregnant. I can remember several specific instances when I discovered that the amount of food I was going to be served was grossly inadequate to satiate my near insatiable hunger and feeling absolutely panicked. Rationally I should have known that I could have just eaten what was served to me, made an excuse to quickly leave, then went home to eat some more. However, when I'm in the midst of that postpartum period, my hunger does not listen to rational argument. My hunger demands food. Lots of it. Immediately.

Yes, yes, yes. I should be eating five to six small meals a day. I'll add that to my list of self-care shoulds that routinely get ignored while I'm caring for two, soon to be three little ones. I'm lucky if I have the chance to sit down to three meals a day. So, if we're eating lunch together, I probably haven't eaten anything since seven a.m. Thanks for the offer, but no, I do not want to split a sandwich with you. Chances are I want a whole sandwich and a cup of soup and probably a cookie, too. And I want to eat it without commentary or judgment.

Please don't recommend that I eat a little something now and eat something else later. I might not get a chance to eat again for hours. I don't want to spend those hours until my next meal starving.

Recently while standing in line at the grocery store I read yet another headline about a celebrity loosing her baby weight in record time. Wouldn't it be great, I thought, if instead of praising women for how quickly they get back to their pre-pregnancy shape, they were praised for eating a nutritionally dense diet to establish and maintain a fantastic milk supply, and hell, maybe even making some extra to donate to a milk bank.

A few years ago I was a contributor to a friend's post-baby food tree. The coordinator sent out an email asking that contributors please drop off calorie dense foods. Contributors assumed that since the mama was a yoga teacher she'd want to eat fresh steamed vegetables and leafy green salads. What the mama really wanted, the coordinator explained, was rich, creamy pasta casseroles.

Unfortunately, our society seems to be fixated on the idea that faster is better when it comes to post-baby weight loss. And since eating is often a social activity, it matters whether or not friends and family support my decision to not lose weight. I have a hard time asking for more food or turning down offers to split a sandwich or an entree at a restaurant because I don't want to appear to be selfish or gluttonous. I have a hard time eating in front of anyone who has made comments about my weight gain or need to get back in shape after having a baby. It almost makes me want to eat in isolation for those first few months after having a baby so that I can hide the American-sized portions that I intend on eating. Hiding, however, doesn't sound healthy.

I think the main reason why I'm not worried about losing the baby weight is because I've done it twice before and I know that I'll do it again. I gained 40 pounds my first pregnancy and 25 pounds my second pregnancy. Both times, nine months later I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Nine months up, nine months down is my motto. If I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight nine months later that's just fine with me.

Now, if I'm for some reason I'm not back to my pre-pregnancy weight by nine months, I may start making some dietary changes. Luckily, in the past, exercise and breastfeeding have been enough to take the baby weight off.

So, friends and family, if you plan on eating with me for the first three to six months after I give birth, there are a few things you need to know.

As long as I am exclusively breastfeeding, as in baby is eating no other forms of food, I plan to eat nutritious, calorie dense foods in quantities sufficient to satiate my hunger. Nuts? Avocados? Full fat dairy products? Yes, please!

I will probably eat more than you will. If this offends your sense of equity, please don't eat with me.

As soon as my midwife clears me for exercise I will happily exercise with the intention of mood elevation, increased strength, flexibility and stamina. I will not use numbers on the scale or my clothing as motivation tools.

I know that many people will disapprove of my unwillingness to push myself to lose weight as quickly as possible. It's totally fine if you're one of them. I just might have to avoid you for nine months or so.

Luckily, my husband is supportive of my weight loss plans. I told him that I don't intend on trying to loose weight right away. He responded, "You have three years to loose the baby weight."

Clearly, I married the right man. Bring on the mashed potatoes!

Why I Use Cloth Diapers

I love cloth diapers. I strongly believe that they are better for my babies, better for my pocketbook and better for the environment. Anytime I come across an article extolling the virtues of the cloth diaper I give myself a pat on the back. However, to be perfectly honest, none of those are the reasons that I started to use cloth diapers.

But before I talk about cloth diapering, let me tell you about my Denby Stoneware.

I spent most of my life as a bachelorette eating off of paper plates. As a law student, I survived primarily on Amy's frozen meals, eating them directly out of the plastic packaging after pulling them from the microwave. I hated doing dishes. Why should I go to the trouble of actually buying reusable plates, I reasoned, when it was so much cheaper and easier to use paper ones? I could buy a few hundred for a few dollars. Less money and less effort, right?

But then, shortly after I was married I pulled out the Denby Stoneware plates I'd inherited from my grandmother. They felt so smooth, cool and heavy in my hands. They felt good. Satisfying. I was proud to serve food on those plates. Those plates, I discovered, contributed to a higher quality of life. My meals became elevated from strictly utilitarian events, consumed mindlessly while studying, to enjoyable, purposeful endeavors.

I had a similar experience the first time I encountered a cloth diaper. I was in now-defunct Austin Baby buying a Moby wrap. I picked up a FuzziBunz. The Microfleece cloth felt so soft. I had to resist the urge to rub it on my face. Shortly thereafter, my first daughter was born. I used disposable diapers, but I kept thinking about the FuzziBunz. At $18 a diaper, though, they just seemed prohibitively expensive.

But I couldn't stop thinking about the FuzziBunz. A few months after she was born, I went back to Austin Baby and bought four of them. A few weeks later I bought a few more on Ebay. A month later I bought a few more. Slowly, as I acquired more cloth diapers, I used fewer disposables. And every time I put a cloth diaper on my daughter, it just felt so much better than the disposables. Softer, prettier, not covered in corporate logos. The environment or the money weren't even on my mind. Cloth diapers just felt so right.

By the time my second daughter was born, I'd already built up enough of a diaper stash that I could cloth diaper both girls full-time. Since I started my second on cloth from the beginning, she'd fuss and complain when I tried to put a disposable on her. She was already accustomed to the luxury of cloth.

I'm currently pregnant with my third daughter and eagerly anticipating cloth diapering her as well. I don't really need to buy anymore diapers. She's not even born and I have all the supplies I need to diaper her from birth until potty training, but that doesn't stop me from buying more diapers anyway. I stalk WAHM's on Etsy and Hyena cart, snatching up good deals on homemade diapers. I pull them out of the envelop as soon as they arrive, squeal and rub them all over my face. So soft and squishy. I'm addicted. I'm even attempting to teach myself to sew my own.

Do I still use disposable diapers? Yes. I still use paper plates, too. When life is crazy, I know I have disposables to fall back on for some instant convenience - plates and diapers. But I don't want either to be a part of my daily life. Disposable just isn't who I am anymore. And 99.9 percent of the time I'm not doing it to feel sanctimonious, I'm doing it because it feels so good. I guess I'm just too much of a hedonist for disposable diapers.

Quick Practice

I made it through the standing sequence yesterday before my practice was interrupted by baby aggro.

Starting Over Every Day

I found some studio space for my solitary practice. For the first time in I can't remember how long I practiced all of primary. Here are my observations from today's practice:

• Sun salutations work. Even though I haven't had a full practice since I can't remember when, my daily sun salutations and few postures here and there made it possible for me finish primary without feeling like I was going to pass out. It didn't feel like I haven't had a decent practice in months. 
• Practicing next to a mirror revealed that my revolving standing postures need lots of work. Lots of work. 
• Practicing next to a mirror revealed that my thighs are much larger than I had previously thought possible. Of course, I eat like a sumo wrestler, so this shouldn't come as a surprise.

I'd like to return to using this blog for writing about yoga, so I created another blog for when I feel inclined to blog about cooking. 

The Peeps Have Arrived!

Early this morning, we received a call from the post office notifying us that our chicks had arrived. Tom hurried right over and picked them up. They are all in good health and spirits. Eevory was so excited that she started jumping up and down as soon as she saw them.

The house was filled with cheerful peeping and chirps all day long. We set up the brooder in the girls' playroom. They'll stay inside until they are 3-4 weeks old, then we'll move them outside to the coop.

We have an Easter Egger, an Australorp, a Blue Andalusian, a Silver Laced Wyandotte, a Red Star and a Black Jersey Giant. We ordered them from My Pet Chicken.

Tia Karen's Pancakes

As a child, my sister, Karen, was the pickiest eater to ever walk the face of the earth. I've yet to hear of a pickier eater. She spent the better part of the 80's eating little else but Yoplait Custard Style Yogurt. When she did branch out into eating other foods, these pancakes were on her short list.

Nana calls these cottage cheese pancakes, but since Tom hates cottage cheese we have to pretend that there isn't any cottage cheese in them. Luckily, you can't detect the cottage cheese at all. They are light and buttery with a mild flavor that lends itself well to a wide variety of toppings.

After talking to my friend Cecily about how challenging it can be to feed toddlers, I wanted to post this recipe. Among the top reasons why I like it:

1. They're super fast to assemble. I can make them for a weekday breakfast or an afternoon snack. 
2. They're high in protein. I ate a lot of these when I was pregnant and my midwife was always on my case about eating more protein. 
3. My kids love them. 

Nana always serves them with apple sauce. I like mine with apple sauce and sour cream. The girls like theirs with apple sauce and vanilla yogurt. Tom likes his with melted butter. A few weeks ago I topped them with some fancy blueberry preserves Nana and Papa brought us from their trip to Maine and some homemade creme fraiche. 

So let's get started. You'll need:

• 1 cup of cottage cheese
• 3 eggs
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 2 tablespoons melted butter or vegetable oil

Put the ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth, scraping down the sides with a rubber spatula as necessary. The batter will be thin. 

I like to cook these on an electric griddle but a skillet would work just as well. I like to make little pancakes so the girls can pick them up with their hands. Cook over medium to medium-high heat until pancakes appear bubbly and slightly dry, then flip and cook until slightly puffed in the middle. 

I tried to take a few pictures of the finished plate, but Eevory busted in on my little photo session. The girl has priorities. 

Sunday Dinner

We invited Nana and Papa over for dinner last night so I made one of Tom's favorite foods, Chicago-style deep-dish pizza. I used the recipe from Cooks Illustrated's January 2010 issue. Two rising periods makes the crust better suited for a weekend than a weeknight, but if you're going to be around the house anyway, it's a great recipe to try. Tom says that it was more authentic than any of the local options.

For dessert I made Billy's Vanilla cupcakes. These are Martha's favorite vanilla cupcakes and mine as well. With a buttery, tender crumb and boasting a strong vanilla flavor, they're everything I've ever wanted in a vanilla cupcake. Add the fact that they can be made in one bowl and case closed. I don't think I'll ever need another vanilla cupcake recipe.

For the frosting, I used whipped chocolate ganache. It's so easy to make and so decadent. I made the Cook's Illustrated version from Baking Illustrated, but here's a free recipe that's almost identical. To get the whipped consistency, refrigerate until the ganache has the consistency of soft pudding; about an hour in the refrigerator. If the ganache becomes too firm, it may separate as you attempt to whip it. Once it has cooled and thickened, use a standing mixer with a whisk attachment and whip on high for about a minute. Don't over-whip or the ganache will curdle. Just whip until it has lightened and appears fluffier.

You can also skip the mixer and just use it as a dense, shiny, spreadable frosting. You can also skip the cupcake and eat it out of the bowl with a spoon. Yum!

The girls are ready to dig in. Eevy, like her Mama, loves chocolate. 

Roasted Potatoes for Breakfast

Sometimes I feel like a greasy spoon breakfast but don't feel like playing short order cook over the stove or griddle. So, instead of hash browns or home fries, I make roasted potatoes. I promise that with enough olive oil they are just as greasy and crunchy as those cooked in a skillet. While the potatoes are cooking I can make the coffee, eggs, toast and maybe some veggie sausage.

Mia and Papa dug up the potatoes a few days ago at Papa's garden. Homegrown potatoes have so much more flavor than the store bought variety. If you haven't tried homegrown potatoes, you're missing out.

Eevy loves to check on the chickens. I can hardly wait until we have some at our house.

Here's some of Papa's lovely Siberian Kale.

The Pioneer Woman's Favorite Sandwich

I ran across the recipe for The Pioneer Woman's favorite sandwich a few days ago. A grilled cheese sandwich with hatch green chiles? Oh, hell yes. 

First, let me say that I adore grilled cheese sandwiches. Good grilled cheese sandwiches. A good grilled cheese sandwich should have a buttery, lacy, golden-brown exterior with a gooey, cheesy interior. Soggy bread and grainy, greasy cheese make for a sad grilled cheese sandwich. Beyond that, I'm up for just about any interesting ingredients, so long as the qualities mentioned supra are in no way compromised. I'm always interested in trying new cheeses and flavors in my grilled cheese. So when I saw her recipe that included hatch green chiles, oh baby, I just about fainted. I love hatch green chiles. 

Every August, Papa buys a bunch of hatch green chiles, roasts and then freezes them. I used the last of my share a month ago, but I was fairly certain he still had a stash in his freezer. It was my intention to pilfer some sweet hatch goodness to make this wicked, wicked sandwich. 

I attempted the recipe for lunch yesterday. I won't repeat the whole recipe since you can find it here, but in short it's a grilled sandwich with cheddar, provolone, sliced tomatoes, a whole green chile, and red onion. Before I started, I noticed several things I already liked. First, she uses two types of cheese. Cheddar provides great flavor and provolone contributes smooth, creaminess. Also, I she uses my preferred method of buttering the bread rather than the skillet. 

The only modification I made to the recipe was to let the sliced tomato rest on paper towels for a few minutes to draw out extra moisture. 

I cooked the sandwiches on an electric griddle, about twice as long as the recipe recommended since I like my cheese completely melted. 

I asked Papa for his feedback. His response was, "Cut some of the cheese - either no provolone or only one slice. Too much cheese dominated the flavor of the three veggies. Serve with olives. Perhaps thicker bread. I would like to try it with a hoagie bun cut in half so as to contain the cheese."

Too much cheese? Whaaaaa? Is that even possible for a grilled cheese sandwich? Then I realized that we were having a philosophical disagreement. To me this was a grilled cheese sandwich flavored with vegetables. For him this should have been a vegetable sandwich flavored with the cheese. To me, the cheese is the star of the sandwich. Everything else the supporting cast to enhance the flavor of the cheese. I want the flavor of the cheese to dominate. 


And in my opinion, the vegetables performed beautifully. I was worried that the raw onions would be too strong, but they were perfect. The flavors were nicely balanced and dimensional. The hatch chile was a bit too spicy for me, so I took about half out of my sandwich, but I might be a bit of a pansy ass. 

I wouldn't cut back on the cheese. No way, no how. Forget it. I would use thinner tomatoes, perhaps cut with a mandoline, and I would salt them a bit as they drained. I would try to cut all the ingredients as thinly as possible, but I'd keep the bread the same thickness. I'd also like to experiment with different cheeses. 

Will I make it again? Definitely. I've been craving all day. I'll probably make it again this weekend. 

Tomatoes

Canned tomatoes, we had a good run. In the dead of winter, when all the fresh tomatoes in the produce section tasted like wax, you were the superior product. Packed at the height of freshness, you consistently delivered vibrant color and fresh, sweet taste all year long. And, gosh, were you convenient. No peeling, seeding or dicing. Just pop open a can and get ready for action. And you were so versatile. From pasta sauces, to soups, to casseroles, to salsas, you stood in my pantry at the ready to liven up so many of our family's favorite recipes. And, wow, you were so cost effective. No fresh tomato could beat your price.

But, canned tomatoes, until you find a way to line your cans with something that doesn't contain, BPA, I have to bid you a fond farewell.

I now buy the cartons and the jars. My only complaint is that most of my recipes call for either 8, 14 or 28 ounce cans and these are 24 ounce containers. Also, they're a little pricier than the cans. Of the two, I prefer the taste of the Cento but Pomi is cheaper. I buy both and use the Cento for dishes with prominent tomato flavor, like pizza or pasta sauce and Pomi for dishes like my veggie chili where the subtle tomato flavors are overwhelmed by chili powder anyway.

On Sunday I found some organic Roma tomatoes on sale at Central Market for $1.59 a pound. I had been craving spaghetti pie, so I thought I'd try my hand at making my own version of the two 8 ounce cans of tomato sauce the recipe requires. I bought a little over three pounds and put two aside for my pimento cheese sandwiches.

I dropped the remaining tomatoes in boiling water, three to four at a time for about a minute. I like to do just a few at a time so I can watch them more carefully and so that I don't cool the water.

The tomatoes went directly from the boiling water into ice water to halt the cooking.

After they cooled, I peeled, cored, (mostly) seeded and chopped the tomatoes.

Then I took a little snack break.  My hands down favorite way to use exceptionally good tomatoes (homegrown or from the farmers market) is pan con tomate.  I am of the opinion that one should always have on hand at least two types of olive oil. The first type can be used for cooking but the second should be reserved exclusively for drizzling and dipping. I like to use Whole Foods 365 brand extra virgin olive oil for cooking. My current favorite for dipping and drizzling is Columela Extra Virgin Olive Oil. Pan con tomate is an excellent example of when to pull out the good stuff. The sweet tomatoes and fruity olive oil complement each other perfectly. Toast some rustic bread, lightly rub with a garlic clove, top with chopped, peeled, seeded tomatoes, sprinkle with salt and drizzle with your best olive oil. It's one of my favorite things to eat.

Once my snack break was over, I warmed a few tablespoons of olive oil in a large sauce pan and sauteed a few teaspoons of minced garlic until fragrant. I added the chopped tomatoes and simmered for about 25 minutes until reduced and thickened. Here's the end result:

Just a little over two ounces short of the 16 ounces I needed for my recipe. More money and considerably more time than opening a couple cans of tomato sauce, but with these early summer tomatoes, it was delicious enough to motivate me to make it again. Seriously, it was so good I could have eaten it with a spoon.

Cooking

I love food. My enthusiasm for eating informs many major decisions in my life. I choose where to live based on proximity to quality grocery shopping and restaurants. I've taken vacations based entirely on the local food. In fact, when I'm traveling I abandon my mostly vegetarian diet because I feel that eating the local cuisine is essential to experiencing the culture.

I consider how one eats to be a major quality of life indicator. However, until recently, I didn't actually cook food unless it was a holiday and I was helping my mom. I watched cooking shows and read cooking magazines but performed no actual cooking. In my single life, I existed primarily on prepared foods, take out and pizza.

When I quit my job to become a stay-at-home mom, the first thing that had to go was eating out at restaurants. Also, cooking our meals just seemed like the right thing to do if my new job was to take care of our family. It seemed like part of the job description.

In the past year I've learned to plan meals, create a grocery list and shop under a tight budget. I've become a grocery shopping ninja. I shop at several different grocery stores to get the best deal.

I'm learning how to cook and entertain my kids at the same time. Yesterday, while making pizza, I gave both girls a little hunk of dough and rolling pins while I rolled out the family's pizza. Mia did a fantastic job making her own pizza. Eevy had great fun using her rolling pin to pound the dough like a mallet. When I can't distract the kids,  I've learned to cook quickly by either putting a meal into the slow cooker before my husband heads in to work or throwing it together when he gets home.

I've found that I get a lot of satisfaction from cooking. I sometimes miss the sense of accomplishment I experienced when I worked out of the home. Turning out delicious food isn't quite the same as a win in court, but it comes close. I can't help but smile just thinking about Mia saying, "Mama, this tastes good!"

I also like having complete control over what my family eats. I know exactly how my girls' food was prepared and exactly what went into it.  I try to avoid BPA, pesticides, rBST, hfcs, artificial sweeteners, hydrogenated fats and other bad things I'm forgetting about at the moment. If make our pizza, I know that it doesn't have canned tomatoes or hfcs in the sauce or rBST in the cheese.

Not everything my family eats is homemade or from scratch - not that those terms have clear definitions anyway - but I do my best to cook for my family using the most basic ingredients as practical. For example, I'm not planning on milling my own flour anytime soon, but I would like to stop buying commercial bread except for the occasional artisan loaf. I like to say that if I can make it, why buy it?

I try to buy local when I can afford to do so. We love boggy creek farm and would shop there all the time if money wasn't an issue. We grow many of the vegetables that we eat thanks in large part to help from my father, Papa. Also, thanks to help from Papa, construction of our chicken coop is underway. Hopefully by mid-summer we will no longer buy commercial chicken eggs. I'd like to expand our growing efforts in the Fall to include some raised beds in our front yard for a cole crop. Fall and Winter are great seasons for gardening in Texas.

Here are some of my current food goals:

Grow more of our own food
Raise chickens for eggs
Bake our own bread
Learn to make our girls' much loved cheese crackers
Learn to decorate a layer cake (improve piping skills and learn to use fondant)
Learn to can my own tomatoes for BPA-free convenience in the winter
Buy a freezer for the back porch and make a bunch of casseroles for times when I'm tempted to order a delivery pizza
Improve food photography skills

I'll conclude with a recent baking effort - my second attempt at a layer cake. I made it for Mia's third birthday last month. She loves Hello Kitty. I used the white cake recipe from Baking Illustrated and Martha Stewart's recipe for swiss meringue buttercream. The edible decal was a huge pain in the butt. I won't use that again. My goal is to improve my decorating skills before they are old enough to care.

Parenting Rant Deleted

I woke up at 4 a.m. mad. How dare she tell me how I should be raising my child? I couldn't fall back asleep. The degree of anger I felt disproportionate to the imagined insult, I lay in bed and fumed. I woke up and wrote a rant which I immediately deleted because it failed my two part test: 1) would I want this used against me in a court of law and 2) would I want this published in the newspaper (or contemporary online equivalent). More importantly, I deleted it because I realized after writing it that my acquaintance hardly knows me or my kids so her comments had nothing to do with me. 


So instead, I'll begin with one of my father's favorite sayings: You just missed an excellent opportunity to keep your mouth shut. That sums up my opinion on telling other people how they ought to be raising their kids. 


Back when I only had one child and knew far more about children than I do now, I was full of opinions and advice. Now, unless directly asked, I tend to keep my mouth shut. Why? Firstly, I keep quiet because I realize that experience with one child is not sufficient experience to predict the behaviors of other children. My second baby has been surprisingly different than my first. Secondly, I don't advertise my parenting philosophies because it's so easy to inadvertently piss someone off. We parents can be a rather sensitive bunch. 


I do have ideas and opinions about child rearing, but I am happy to keep them to myself. Expressing them would likely piss off and alienate parents whose beliefs differ from mine. I tend to not advertise the choices I make regarding my children and the decision making process behind them. It seems that just by making different choices than other parents, they automatically assume that I disapprove of their choices. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "I know you're probably going to disapprove, but we've decided to..."


In truth, I don't believe in a a one-size-fits-all approach to child rearing. If the family is happy and the kid is thriving, then it's working. 


If you put your baby in childcare at 6 weeks to return to work, I have no problem with that. A previous manager of mine told me that she was dying to get back to work 8 weeks postpartum. She was going crazy at home with the baby and wanted to get back to the courtroom. She wouldn't have served herself or her baby by staying home longer if doing so made her unhappy. 


If you forgo all outside childcare, stay home and unschool your kids, I have no problem with that either. I have nothing but respect for Soule Mama and others who take on the awesome responsibility to educate their children at home. 


And thank goodness we have an almost infinite number of possibilities in between. Thank goodness that we as parents have so many options that we can make the choice that we feel is truly best for our children and our families. Lets just not mistakenly assume that because a particular choice seems to be working well for some children that it is the universal best choice. In other words, just because it's working for you and your kid, doesn't necessarily mean that it  would work for me and mine. 


I'm not trying to be all kumbaya yoga blog when I say that I can respect all kinds of parenting. Maybe after seeing enough CPS cases, it's hard for me to muster disapproval for anything that is clearly not abuse or neglect. Really, I can respect any decision you make if it is in the best interest of your family and your child. However, if you need me to make the same decisions to validate yours, I simply cannot do that. 


Since this is a yoga blog, I'll end with a little ahimsa. The next time a well meaning friend of family member gives me advice on how I ought to be raising my children, I will assume that it comes from well-meaning concern and love for my children. I will try to respond with gratitude and compassion and perhaps even sympathy for the parent who may be doubting their own parenting decisions. And if I do start to feel a little angry or defensive, I'll remind myself that my husband and I are happy with our decisions and that our children are thriving. When I think about my beautiful, creative, brilliant children, it's hard to stay focused on anyone's disapproval. When I imagine my girls' smiling faces, I'm filled with a gratitude that eclipses everything else. 

Rebirth

My husband and I just bought our first house. We closed on February 19, 2010. All the trees on the lot, except for a lone pine, were without leaves. They could have all been dead for all I knew. I've never paid any attention to trees, but since that they were mine, I had a sudden interest in knowing everything about them - what type, how old and most importantly, were they alive?

Every day I would examine the stems for signs of life. I was thrilled and relieved when leaf buds began to appear. I worried over those that seemed lifeless. I was ecstatic when one, then two, then six began to bloom. I would lie on the ground and gaze up at the branches as I watched the skeletal branches transform themselves.

For the first time I felt like I understood why myths involving rebirth or resurrection have such widespread appeal this time of the year. All around us life is springing from that which is seemingly devoid of life. After watching the rebirth of trees all around us, is it such a stretch to wonder if we, too, could be reborn, at least in a metaphorical sense?

I started to clear the flower beds of dead leaves and found infant ferns just beginning to unfurl. I sowed seeds and waited anxiously for them to sprout. I bought seedlings from the Sunshine Gardens plant sale and planted an herb garden.

I've always been fascinated by rebirth mythology - my youngest daughter's middle name is Phoenix - but working in the garden made me feel connected to the birth/life/death/rebirth cycle in a way I haven't felt since I was pregnant. But when I was pregnant, I think I was too involved, too close to the matter, to stand back and experience the miracle with true awe.

I've culled the dead branches from trees. I've pruned the dead wood from the rose bushes. I've cleared away the dead matter that did not survive the winter. I've cleared way for new life to flourish and expand.

I was going to write about how I intend to cull, prune and clear the dead and useless from my life, but instead, I'm just going to end this with one of my favorite meditations. I think it's a great way to sit in awe with the cycle of birth-life-death-rebirth. Sa Ta Na Ma. Try it.

Cupcakes

Since I have nothing to report on the yoga front, I'll write about one of my other favorite subjects: FOOD! On Saturday, Tom and I went to a pre-Thanksgiving potluck. I spent all morning making two batches of cupcakes.

The first batch was a chocolate chip cookie dough recipe. I found a recipe for this at the cake mix doctor's website, but my new motto is "why buy it if I can make it." I didn't want to use a cake mix, so I used a Martha Stewart recipe for the cupcake batter. I also didn't want to use the store bought cookie dough the cake mix doctor recommended so I used a Cook's Illustrated recipe for thick and chewy chocolate chop cookies for the cookie dough. I made 1 inch balls with the dough and froze them overnight. After cooking the cupcakes with the frozen dough I wouldn't say that the cookie dough tasted raw, but half-baked and still nicely gooey.

For the frosting, I used Martha Stewart's recipe for Swiss Meringue Buttercream. I splurged on a real vanilla bean so the frosting had a great vanilla flavor and beautiful little black vanilla seeds throughout. (Click on the picture to see them)

For my second recipe, I wanted to tackle the bacon cupcake. I'd read a lot about the bacon cupcake meme on the cupcake blogs, and while I don't eat meat, my husband LOVES bacon. Some of the bacon cupcake recipes combined chocolate and bacon for a Mo's Bacon Bar inspired experience. Other's preferred breakfasty flavors like french toast or maple.  I thought that a maple bacon cupcake would be most accessible; like eating waffles with maple syrup and a side of bacon. For these I used Martha Stewart's maple cupcake with maple buttercream recipe. I fried thick cut maple bacon until it was extra crispy. I portioned the cupcake batter into the liners, crumbled a piece of bacon into each cupcake and swirled it into the batter.

I'd already read that most people either love bacon cupcakes or hate them. No one told me that they hated the cupcakes. In fact the only negative feedback I got was from a friend who said she didn't like maple syrup. But the people who loved them seemed to REALLY love them.

I wish I'd taken a picture of these on Saturday. This is one that sat out all night and the icing didn't stand up quite as well as the icing for the cupcake above. You can still see the bacon-y goodness inside.

If I make these again, I'll probably try a brown sugar cupcake instead of the maple. Between the cake and the buttercream, Martha Stewart's recipes called for 32 ounces of Maple Syrup so this wasn't an economical recipe. I left the bacon out of a couple so that I could try the cupcake and it was very, very tasty. It might just be a special occasion cupcake.

I volunteered to bring cupcakes to a my friend Lissa's baby shower. The shower was supposed to happen already, but her baby boy just didn't want to wait any longer and was born the day before Lissa's scheduled shower. I did the same thing to my mom, only I was born the day of my mother's shower. My aunt and mother's friends had the shower without her and even opened all of her gifts. We didn't do this, ahem, for Lissa.  When she and baby are feeling up to attending, we'll have her shower. This gives me some time to think about what I'm going to make and experiment with tinting icing. I'd really like to make chocolate cupcakes with blue icing because I love that color combination, but of course I'll make whatever she wants me to make!

Prana (hack hack) yama

OK, allergies are kicking my ass. Is it just me or is practicing when you're coughing and sneezing the worst? I managed to get both girls to nap at the same time today and made it all the way through primary, sounding like I was coughing up a lung. I coughed so hard I gagged.

No progress on the jumping back to report. Typical for me. I tend to have rapid improvement followed by weeks or months of no improvement at all. I'll write if anything changes.

Almost Thanksgiving week. Tom will be home from work. He'll be able to watch the girls. I'm anticipating a week of consistent practicing.

Heavy

I've been having a hard time getting onto the mat for a real practice lately. I lost my rhythm when I was sick and haven't found it again. I think I am having some PPD issues. I feel like my energy has been drained. Maybe it has been - through my boobs. My little vampire baby. I love her with all my heart, but I swear the kid lives entirely on my vital life force. My prana in liquid form. All my qi in my breasts. She doesn't sleep much and refuses most solid food, but she will nurse. I thought second babies were supposed to be easier.

I feel like I'm moving through wet sand. Every movement is met with resistance. Everything I do requires ten times more effort than usual.

I've been working on this blog entry for three days now. Every time I write a sentence or two I get interrupted.

Anyway...

I've been continuing to work on picking up and jumping back in a seated vinyasa. I'm already seeing some improvement. I can now lift high enough to swing my legs until my toes are directly under my body. This improvement was enough to motivate me through my practice yesterday. I made it all the way through primary for the first time in awhile. I wasn't able to lift up in all the vinyasas yet, but probably about a third of them.

I'm noticing that there is a lot going on in the body when I try to lift up and jump back. The first time I learned how to jump back,  I was relatively stronger (in relation to my current state of overall weakness). I didn't notice how much work was happening in my back, in my shoulders, in my arms. Even in my hips. There's a lot going on. Now that I'm having to work so much harder for it than I did in my twenties, I have a much greater appreciation for how difficult this is.

Lessons from the Baby

Liz asked me yesterday if I was working on jumping back yet. I scoffed. Ha! I can't even engage my abdominal muscles. Please.

But, as I watched Eevory working so hard to walk, I was inspired. She doesn't set out an hour a day to work on walking. She works on it all the time. Even when she's sleeping. Hilarious, btw.

So, as I was playing with the kids today, I'd just periodically try to lift my but off the floor. One thing I noticed is that it isn't just my abs that are weak. My shoulders are weak as well. So, I can't blame pregnancy completely.

Upper body strength is important for any yogini taking care of little ones. You never know when you'll need to throw a fit-tastic toddler over your shoulder. So, that's some incentive to get my shoulders strong. That and my desire to look cool when I'm doing a vinyasa. I'm not above wanting to look cool.

Here's Aunt Kristina demonstrating the importance of a strong asana practice. She was carrying Mia out to the car when Sadie asked Aunt Kristina to pick her up as well. "Freeze! I need to get my iPhone out," I said.

Yoga-ed and Showered

On my facebook this morning I posted, "I just want to take a shower and practice some yoga. Please, children, take a nap for mommy today."


Thanks to Daddy, who came home for lunch for the second day in a row, I was able to practice. I only made it through the seated postures before Mia woke up so I let her hang out with me while I finished. She thinks that my headstands are hilarious. 


I'm starting to think about joining the YMCA. I gave up on the idea after Eevory had a meltdown the last time I went, but I have two more free visits so I think I'll try it again. I could drop the kids off at childcare then use the yoga room for my practice. Eevory has been waking up at 5 lately, so that's why I haven't been doing an early morning practice. 


Ah, crap. Eevory just woke up. Again. Why won't this baby sleep? 


Liz, thanks for hanging out yesterday. I was pysched about my practice today as a result. 

Intuitive Practice

I kept losing my count. I gave up and just held each posture until I felt right. It felt very intuitive. I won't do this often, but it was a nice change of pace. It was just so atypical for me. I count everything to the point of being borderline obsessive about it - steps, bites of food, blinks, breaths as I'm falling asleep...

My breath was good. It was smooth. Fluid. It was the lullaby keeping my baby asleep. Here was my view from chaturanga today.

I'm doing this for my girls. I want them to grow up around a daily yoga practice. I want their version of a normal family life to include a Sadhana. I don't want to tell them that a spiritual practice is important. I want them to see it.

My teacher, Mehtab, told us, and I'm paraphrasing, don't proselytize. Lead a good life and let people ask you what your secret is.

I don't want to tell my kids that in order to master something you must practice it every day. I want them to see the magic that happens with commitment and dedication. Maybe they won't be into yoga, but hopefully they will apply those lessons to something. Sports, music, art...I want them to have a passion for something. The only way I know to teach that is to let them see my love and commitment to my practice.

No practice

No practice, but it has been an action packed day. Park this morning. Bluegrass brunch with friends. Shopping. Naps. Then a good friend called and asked if we could take her son for the afternoon. We adore her son, so it was a joy to take him. We invited Mia's friend Alice to join us and the three of them, with Eevory trailing behind, had a mini rave all afternoon. Hopefully they will all sleep well tonight. Hopefully Mia and Eevory will sleep well enough for me to practice in the morning.