Sunday, October 25, 2009


No practice today. I spent the morning in the emergency room. Apparently I had a ruptured ovarian cyst. I blame Pasasana.

Not really.

I'm supposed to follow up with an OB-GYN this week. My practice may have to wait for a few days. We'll see how I'm feeling.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Mom Pants

It's Saturday so time for more self-indulgent blogging.

I'm feeling very mom-like lately, and not in a good way. My mother gave me a pair of her pants and I took them thinking it wouldn't hurt to have an extra pair of pants. These are the pants, but in black. High waisted with a generous fit everywhere else, they aren't the type of pants I've worn before. I wore them to take Mia to her gym class on Thursday. It was nice to be able to sit down for circle time without worrying that I was practicing plumberasana. I didn't have to hold the back of my shirt down to make sure that top of my thong wasn't on display. They were so practical it felt good.

So, do I succumb to practical dressing? Lately, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to look. Like I've said before, I don't know how a thirty something mother of two should dress. I find myself wavering between wanting to dress like a 60-year-old housewife or like the teenagers I see walking to school past my house.

My mom thinks I should try on these jeans:

I have to admit, it would be such a relief to have pants that fit the body I already have, rather than the body I'm aspiring to.

Fear not, I have no intention of actually buying these pants. I'm holding out for my skinny jeans.

On a brighter note, I made some awesome ebelskiver pancakes this morning. I adapted the recipe from Williams-Sonoma. I didn't have the pancake mix so I substituted my own recipe for the batter. Mia and Dada loved them.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Day 57: Pasasana

I'd planned on waiting longer to start adding second series, but for a variety of reasons I decided to throw caution to the wind today. After completing primary, I added Pasasana. By myself my fingertips are touching but with help from Tom I was able to clasp.

I was incredibly impressed with Tom's adjustment. My only instruction was, "Kind of like how you do it when I'm in Marichyasana D, but my legs are going to be different." While I was twisting towards my left, he pulled my left shoulder back with one hand and braced my right hip with the other hand. It was perfect.

I'd planned on putting off second for much longer. The thought of returning to Nakrasana gives me prickly heat. But, I'd really like to start working on Kapotasana again. I think it will help with my drop backs. Besides, there's a lot of postures between Pasasana and Nakrasana, so I'll have a long ways to go before I have to worry about that.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Day 56: ack

Super short...interrupted by babies...will edit entry in the morning

edit: sorry, update never happened. I was hoping to get a chance to blog on my iPhone, but was super busy this morning.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Day 55: kicking butt and taking names

I was flying through my sun salutations. My breath was strong. My locks engaged. I started (silently) singing:

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger

My warrior poses were so strong a tsunami couldn't have knocked me over. My yogic technique was unstoppable! Rawr!


Right as I was getting down to the floor Eevory woke up SCREAMING. It was her oh-my-god-you-have-betrayed-me, I-am-so-abandoned-in-my-crib cry.

I tried to occupy her next to my mat with some toys, but the energy was gone. So, it was a pretty short practice.

But when it was good, it was damn good!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Day 54: Still Sore

Maybe this is a sign that I'm getting older, but I'm still sore from my practice on Sunday. My hamstrings were so tight that it took five sun salutations before I could touch the floor without wincing. This is the price I pay for my awesome Supta K. Man, my legs were so far behind my head, though, it was worth it.

I was so worn out today that I fell asleep at 7:30 then woke up at 10 p.m. fully awake. Who knows when I'll be able to go back to sleep now.

Also, I put way too much salt in the Seitan Fricassee I made for dinner tonight so feel like a beached whale right now.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Day 53: paying the piper

Pushing it yesterday meant lots of soreness today. But, I had brunch with yogini extraordinaire Liz this morning so I was psyched for my practice. But in spite of my soreness, I had a strong practice. A brief practice because the girls both took short naps, but up to Marichasana it was great.

Everything was a little stiffer today. In particular my shoulders and upper back were sore. Getting stronger, I told myself. Most remarkably, I didn't hate every minute of it. I even liked parts of it. Hurray!

Sunday, October 18, 2009


I'm thinking about getting a towel instead of a rug. I'm trying to decide between:

prAna Surya Yoga Towel

Skidless by Yogitoes

eQua by Manduka

Day 52: Led Primary

I made it to Sharon's led primary today. I was hoping it would return some of the fire to my practice. 

I couldn't decide what to wear. I still can't fit into any of my regular Ashtanga wear. Not that I'd want to wear anything like that until I lose more weight. It's the fat person's dilemma. You don't want to go to yoga until you lose weight, but you aren't going to lose weight until you go to yoga. I'd like to wear the loose pants and t-shirt that I'd wear to a postnatal or Kundalini class, but a big t-shirt would end up around my arm pits on the first downward dog, not to mention head stand. I finally settled on some long drawstring cotton pants and a fitted girly t-shirt. Definitely not the typical Ashtangi outfit but that was the tightest outfit my ego would allow.

So, here I am walking into class dressed like someone who has no idea what's going on, too chubby to be a serious practitioner and instead of a rug I'm carrying a Winnie the Pooh beach towel. We're in the room I call the cave - small, dark, no windows with several small space heaters. The class is filling up but no one is moving their mats any closer together, especially not for a rank amateur. Fortunately, I'm not shy about pushing for my space in the row. I spy a spot almost wide enough for my mat, pause for a moment then put my mat down. After my mat is on the floor the man next to me says, "Oh! We'll make room for you!"

"Thank you!" I reply cheerfully.

Sharon was my first Ashtanga teacher. Well, the first Ashtanga teacher who didn't kick me out of class. Coming to her class is like coming home. She taught me the practice and for that I owe her a lot. I never would have tried Ashtanga again without her encouragement.

I love going to a led primary when my focus is off. I just stop thinking and do what I'm told. I don't have to think. I don't make any decisions. I just relax and let it happen. I guess that's why I like Ashtanga in general, but in a led class I don't even have to count. After practicing alone for over a month, it felt decadent.

The tiny, windowless room was quickly becoming a sauna. I was dangerously flexible. I kept telling myself as I stretched too far that my glory today would lead to punishment tomorrow. My ego was telling me to go for it but I knew I needed to hold back. With all that heat my Supta K was awesome, though.

Liz, I'd like to publicly apologize for never understanding boob in the face. I've never had boobs before. Now that I'm breastfeeding, I do. When I was in karnapidasana I understood what what you've been telling me all these years. I haven't been flexible enough to get my knees all the way to my ears, but today with all that extra heat, I did. I get it now. Sorry about that.

I still didn't have that post-practice euphoria that I miss, but my practice wasn't bad. I even enjoyed parts of it. I wasn't watching the clock or counting the postures until I could finish. At the end of Savasana Sharon read a beautiful Rumi poem that made me tear up.

I'm going to try to keep going to class once a week. I think it will keep me focused until my energy has returned.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I Love Bangs

Since it's Saturday, my day of rest, I'll write about something else of great importance in my life: my hair.

Every few years I start thinking that I want bangs again. This time I blame the trailers for 500 Days of Summer. Of course I know that I don't look anything like Zooey Deschanel, but that doesn't stop me from coveting her hair.

Unfortunately, Tom hates bangs.  Sure, it's my hair, but I do try to keep my man happy. He does the same for me. Isn't that the the kind of compromise that makes marriage work?

And he's right anyway. Bangs don't work well on my face - almost direct quote from my last stylist. That doesn't stop me from wanting them. There's a huge gap between how I imagine that I look and how I actually look. I caught a glimpse of my skin in full noon sunlight yesterday. Let's just say that the bathroom light is much more forgiving.

I waver between thinking that I look awful, borderline obese with bad skin, and thinking that I look, hrmmm, better than I actually look. I went to my dermatologist about some suspicious moles. In other words, I didn't say anything about my face.  Without any complaint from me, he told me that my skin looked "pretty bad" and asked me how much longer I was going to be breastfeeding.

"I don't know, probably more than a year."

"Well, there's nothing going on here that's going to scar, but I won't be able to do much for you until you stop breastfeeding."

If you think that sounds bad, the dermatologist I went to when I was pregnant with Mia told me that I probably wouldn't want to breastfeed so that I could use some medicine that actually worked. I'm vain enough to care how my skin looks, but not so vain that I would compromise my baby's well being. I changed dermatologists after that visit.

What I struggle with lately is knowing how a thirty-something mom is supposed to look. I know I don't want to look like this

My current style idol is Nancy Botwin. Her character has two kids and she always looks smoking hot. Of course, the actress has a team of stylists and is drop dead gorgeous to boot. So, maybe I need to find a more realistic aspiration. But look how cute she looks with pig tails. I love them on her, but when I wear them I'm afraid people are going to think that I'm trying to look younger than I actually am. No, I'm just trying to look like Nancy Botwin.

Not helping my need to set realistic goals, I periodically read Cookie Magazine. It's the Harper's Bazaar of parenting magazines. It has artsy photo layouts with beautiful models, but again, not full of realistic goals.

Inspiration can be helpful when it doesn't lead to discouragement. I'm just looking for the right inspiration.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Day 51: Almost the Weekend

It's almost the weekend so I'm hoping for the time to write a decent blog entry. I had a super quick practice today, just barely enough to qualify as a practice. Eevory was asleep and Mia was bribed into silence with her iPhone.

I've never loved my asana practice. I mostly have enjoyed the way I feel after practice. But lately, I don't even enjoy that feeling. Today was more of the same.

But later when I was spinning Mia over my head it occurred to me that I probably wouldn't have been able to do it if it weren't for my asana practice. That made me happy.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Day 50: staying the course

I'm still practicing. Not because I feel like having an asana practice but because I'm hoping that these feelings will pass. I'm hoping that if I go through this again in the future I'll have this journal to remind me that it's temporary. I'm hoping to make it to a led primary this weekend to reignite the fire.

I am so over my asana practice.

Oh, and to my list of symptoms add insatiable hunger. Tonight I ate enough fettucine with lentil bolognese to choke a horse but was still hungry. In case you're skeptical about my definition of big portion size, I ate twice what my 6'5" husband ate. Later I ate an ice cream sandwich and was still hungry. I've been snacking on rice crackers ever since.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Day Who Cares (49)

Another lackluster asana practice. I only made it to Navasana. I feel too tired, too old and too irritable. These feelings will pass, I tell myself. I just need to push through this rough patch. My body felt weak and stiff.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Day 48: Losing steam

I think I need to get to a led primary class to get some enthusiasm back. My practice today was uninspired. I managed to get both girls to sleep during nap time, practiced up to Supta K, didn't have any good reason for stopping other than I was tired and didn't feel like continuing. I'm in a yoga funk.

I've also been extremely irritable lately. I have a very short fuse. I don't know if it's the sleep deprivation, hormones, the ppd, the weather, or what but I feel terrible. I'm avoiding my most competitive friend because if she says something to set me off I'm likely to fume about it for days. (If you are reading this blog, you are not that friend)

Monday, October 12, 2009

Day 47: Socializing

Lunchtime practice but hanging out with Kristina at the moment so will write about it later. I plan to go straight to bed when she leaves. I'm blogging on my iPhone while Tom teaches her how to sync her iPhone.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Day 46: bad video

I decided that maybe I should take a look at my drop backs. Since I don't have a teacher to give me feedback, I wanted to see them for myself. I had Tom video them with my iPhone.

Oh wow. Without even getting into how I looked, the drop backs were bad. Really, really bad. I don't think I've seen anyone practice drop backs so badly. OK, that's not true. They were as bad as the worst I've seen.

Maybe I'll post the video in a year when it can be my before video.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

More Lady's Holiday

Maybe I was a little too enthusiastic in my practice yesterday. Or maybe it's something unrelated. Normally I'm done by day 4, but today I've been having serious cramping and heavy bleeding. My practice never affected my period before. Maybe it's because I had kids or maybe it's because I'm getting older. I don't know. So, my asana practice consisted of some forward folding and warrior poses.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Day 45: Tension

I'm a taut line. I have no more give. Or so I tell myself every day. Every day I give a little more. Even if I have nothing more to give. I give a little more.

My legs felt strong today. Arms, not so much. Shoulders were tired. Standing postures felt great but I suffered through the vinyasas. I couldn't do Supta K because I had a couple of moles removed from my neck yesterday. Maybe someday I'll have a practice free from injury.

But the injuries I struggle with lately aren't physical. I'm fighting psychological obstacles and mental fatigue. Sleep deprivation and the need to be constantly vigilent over the two precious lives that I am entirely responsible for is taking a toll. If I let my guard down for a second, my world could fall apart.

And that's the way my crazy mommy brain works.

I'm practicing ahimsa. Ahimsa towards my children. Ahimsa with my spouse. Ahimsa with myself. Trying to stop the internal violence. I still have lots of work but that's why they call it a practice. I'll be a better yogini tomorrow.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Day 44: Slow & Easy

Day 3 of my Lady's holiday and it was rough. Had an easy, recooperative asana practice up to Navasana and skipped the inversions. My back ache felt better after I practiced though it bothered me during practice.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Lady's Holiday

Terrible, miserable day. Stabbing pains. Headache. Back ache. Bloated like I spent the afternoon in the buffet line at China Palace.

No asana practice today.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Day 43: Shut Up

Never tell anyone that you have PMS. If you do, any negative emotion you have will be blamed on your PMS, even if you have a completely rational and legitimate reason for being pissed off.

Another nap time practice today. Eevory was sleeping and Mia was having quiet time. After many protests I let her join me for the forward folds. She sat next to me on the mat and imitated me for awhile until she got bored and wandered off. She'd wander back periodically and flop over me, giving me a little squish.

I finally started my period today so I might take tomorrow off as my Lady's Holiday. I usually find the second day to be the hardest. Here's an amusing thread I found on the Ladies Holiday for those of you who haven't heard of it. Some yoga practitioners believe that ladies shouldn't practice while menstruating.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Day 42: PMS, uh, maybe?

I've felt like I have PMS for days now, but nothing has happened. Today was no exception. I'm praying for my period to start. I'm fatigued. I'm breaking out. I'm bloated. Fingers crossed, maybe tomorrow will be my special day. Come on lady's holiday.

I slept until 6:30 today so I had to practice during nap time. However, I couldn't get Mia to sleep. I even put her in the car and drove around for almost an hour. No joy. So, after enduring several sun salutations with Mia literally trying to climb me like a jungle gym, I handed her my iPhone and let her watch YouTube. I'm not proud of it, but I did get a 35 minute practice in.

She has become so adept at navigating YouTube that I took it off of her phone so that she only had toddler apps to choose from. As I was practicing I heard her watch fuzzy fuzzy cute cute several times. Like I said, not my proudest moment.

Eevory's top two teeth are on the verge of emerging. The worst part of teething is right before the teeth erupt. Once they come through, she'll feel better. Once that happens, I might get more than two hours of sleep at a stretch. When that happens, I'll try to resume my early morning practice. If I have another night like last night, I won't be practicing in the morning. I keep telling myself that she won't wake up this often when she's four. I just need to hang in there a few more years before I can sleep again. When that happens a morning practice should seem like a piece of cake by comparison. Right?

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Day 41: Moon Day!

Since today was a moon day I observed a day of rest. I only did sun salutations and my daily meditation. I felt pretty sleepy all day, so this is good. Regular practice tomorrow. 

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Day 40: Ritual de lo Habitual

Practitioners of Kundalini yoga believe that it takes 40 days to create a habit. That's why I wanted to practice Ashtanga for 40 days straight with no breaks. Today was my 40th day! It was a joyful practice, full of levity. My burn didn't bother me at all. I even did drop backs (assisted) for the first time since my burn.

Now that I've completed my 40 days, I'll start taking Saturdays and Moon days off. I'll still practice Kundalini on those days. Another popular Kundalini-ism - there's no vacation from Sadhana.

This morning we went grocery shopping at Central Market. Mia and Tom played on the playground with Mia's friend Alice and her parents while Eevory and I shopped. Eevory was hungry so I nursed her in the Ergo almost the entire time I was shopping.

After dropping off the groceries we went to Target so that Mia could pick out her first big girl blanket. She picked a pink Microfleece blanket.

After Target we came home and had some slow cooker Lentil Bolognese with Fettucine. It wasn't the best time to eat (I hadn't practiced yet) but I was starving. Tom rocked Mia to sleep and I rocked Eevory. After the girls were asleep I had my joyous 40 day practice. After practicing in the morning, an afternoon practice seems so decadent. Everything was already so much more warm and limber just from walking around and picking up the girls.

To reward me for my 40 day asana practice, Tom cooked dinner. It was, as usual, wonderful. I'm lucky to have married such an amazing cook.

The other exciting news is that I fit into my pre-baby-number-two jeans. I try them on every other week or so and today was the day I got them zipped up. Yeah, still have a bit of a muffin top, but nothing a pair of spanx couldn't fix. Lissa, you might know the pair I'm talking about. We bought them at Barton Creek Mall two years ago. I'm still a ways from fitting into my pre-baby-number-one 7 For All Mankind jeans that I briefly got back into before I got pregnant again. I'll try those in another month or so. Though, they are probably the wrong color now. If I lose the last two pounds to get back to my in between baby weight, I might celebrate by buying some new jeans. Maybe I'll go crazy and get some skinny jeans. Subject to my sister's approval, of course. Since my daughters aren't old enough to tell me what to wear, I have my Brooklyn hipster sister to guide me. I think these are cute. I'll see if Karen approves.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Day 39: Stiff and Tired

Early morning practice today was rough. I was exhausted but somehow organized my limbs into some semblance of the postures. Maybe my heart wasn't in it, but I put my body through the motions. Locks and breath, not so much. I could have fallen asleep when I was done, but it was time to get dinner in the slow cooker and feed the family breakfast.

The girls have had a busy social calendar the last couple of days. Yesterday we had a playdate with Mia's friend Max and his Mama Lissa. Later that afternoon Beth stopped by for a visit. Today Kristina came by for lunch.

Kristina said something to help me put my recent concerns into perspective. I wish I'd written it down, because it was so beautiful the way she said it. To paraphrase, she said that when people assume that you want the same things that they do, that's just their ego talking. She reminded me that I am already happy and that I already have everything that I need. I have two beautiful daughters. I have an amazing husband and a fantastic sex life. I live in a highly walkable central Austin neighborhood (I can walk to four different coffee houses, more restaurants than I can count, a great park, our community garden, our church and more). My life is good.

Sure, my collegues who graduated the same time that I did and have been working ever since might be in a better financial situation, but I wouldn't trade places with any of them. OK, Katie's downtown apartment is pretty fabulous. I could be one of those hip moms strolling around downtown with my kids in a fancy urban stroller. I do have a serious weakness for downtown living. That's why when I found out that Tom's geographical living requirements are even more limiting than mine, I knew we'd be great together. But my lack of a fancy downtown apartment isn't breaking my heart. My heart is too full to break.

So that is what I'm meditating on. Contentment. I'm already content. Sometimes I just need to remind myself that I am.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Day 38: Peely

Eevory had a rough night last night. No matter how many times she wakes up at night, she still is ready to get up at the same time. So, even though she woke up at 1, at 2, at 3, at 4 and at 5, at 6:30 she was up smiling and giggling ready to start her day. I, however, was a complete disaster so the practice did not happen this morning.

Tom came home for lunch and rocked Mia to sleep so that I could practice. Both girls slept long enough for my practice and for me to do the dishes!

I was so out-of-it this morning that I didn't even cook dinner. I missed the smell of tasty food simmering for hours when I got home with the girls after spending the day at Nana and Papa's house. I think tomorrow I'll make a big batch of lentil and kale soup.

The burned area is peeling like crazy and it actually hurting more today that yesterday. I think new, raw skin is being exposed. I think I'm very close to recovered.

A friend of mine made a couple of comments yesterday that really pissed me off. I spent a good part of my practice today fuming about them. I thought about posting a ranting blog post about it, but ultimately decided against it.

She made a comment intimating that I wasn't a real lawyer. I assume she meant that because I'm not currently practicing other than helping the occasional friend out with a divorce or custody issue. I decided that she just said that because she's self-concious about her career.

The second comment she made was that I'd never be able to afford a private school that she'd like to send her kids to. Even though I've told her several times that I wouldn't send my kids to that school, she keeps forgetting. In any case, I resented being told that I'd never be able to afford it. Why would she feel that she can make predictions on my future earning potential? Or my husband's? The tuition would have been less than 15% of my last salary, so we probably could afford it now if I was working. Again, I decided her comment was about her own anxieties about her family's future.

I think when my friend makes these comments it says much more about her than it does me. I don't think I'm even registering on her radar most of the time. She has a lot of her own problems to work through and doesn't have time to think about mine. I'm not hurt by this. If anything, I'm relieved. I'd rather not have a third party second guessing my life choices.